[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
You Might Also Like
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.