January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
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I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Care for your back
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.