January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
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Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Whoa… oh I see lol
podcasts
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.