January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
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Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
repaired
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”