I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
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What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.