japanese corn
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The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
men are simple creatures
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
The options really are this bad
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.