[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
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Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Just so funny
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here