Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
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“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts