Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
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Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
peeping toms
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*