[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
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My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.