To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
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Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Warm pools make me nervous.
She puts the hot in psychotic
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.