Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
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I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
FRED: right
#DesignFail
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.