Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
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Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Nice try, poison.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…