Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
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*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Still a very good boi….
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.