nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
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Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!