My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
You Might Also Like
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.