Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
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My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*