Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
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if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.