Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
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I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
my name if I was in the mob
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Fights fire with marshmallows
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.