Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
You Might Also Like
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
How funny!
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.