Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
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Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
iPhone X
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
That’s it.I’m out.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.