Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
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Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Have kids, they said
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Happy Febuary everyone!
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
#damn
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.