@causticbob: Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
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@BuckyIsotope: [on first date] Yes I'll have the- *whispers to waiter* I don't speak French *points at menu* "The French toast, sir?" Yeah. 6 of those.
@GeorgiaSweet20: *climbing on massage table* Me: Okay so here's the thing, I don't like to be touched
@rambo_dogg: If Romeo & Juliet didn't die and were allowed to marry, they'd have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other. So it was a happy ending
@mortimermaiden: Me: I need one of those thingamajigs. Receptionist: What? Me: You know a doohickey. Receptionist: This is a— Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.