[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
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JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
the only bumper sticker ill allow
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.