Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
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I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
new shirt idea
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
This classic never gets old . . .