@jakob_huber: Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying "it's not safe to talk on the phone right now"
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@Erma_H_Gersh: 9: "Mom, that's a pretty necklace. Can I have it?" Me: "No, I got it as a gift." 9: "Well, can I have it when you die, then?"
@alispagnola: Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren't supposed to make you dumber.
@WildeThingy: I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
@That_Damn_Duck: I've never once used the "C word" in a tweet but I will now!!!! Cookie. There, happy now? You c**ts.