Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
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kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.