Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
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You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.