Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
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My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
“HELP WITH CAT”
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked