Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
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You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Go girl power!
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails