[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
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I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker