[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
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7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.