[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
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No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.