Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
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I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
mumsnet is amazing
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Every haunted house movie:
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this