Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
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Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
when nothing goes right… go left
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror