Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
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I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Sing it!
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.