Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
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[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Jesus Christ lmao
fixed it
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.