Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
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It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Sharon, call the vet
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
I pray every night that I never become religious…
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.