@FreshClemonade: Me: "Bond." *lowers sunglasses* "James Bond." Cashier: "You've been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?"

@DirtMcTurd: One difference between Men & Women is nicknames. Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts

@EmoPhilips: 23rd Century Scientist: We're sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission. Henry Ford: Yes, sir.

@Bdell1014: Having a crush on someone is so exciting. You know you'll end up ruining things like you always do, but how? The possibilities are endless.

@internetluke: [police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife] "Why no pants on?" We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell