Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
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Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?