Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
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Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t