I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
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All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
secret recipe
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
no
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.