@SurreySlum: Jehovah's witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
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@SadMeterologist: Police: How did they break in? Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside. Police: They found it? Me: They threw it through the window.
@Cait_Plus_Eight: Your ex asking if you can still be friends is like kidnappers saying "keep in touch" after they let you go.
@CopBroughtPizza: gf: i'm breaking up with you. me: is it my drinking habits? gf: well it... me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
@AndyAsAdjective: Does the employee manual say I CAN'T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.