Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
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20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed