Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
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ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
time for some seasonal decor
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.