*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
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I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!