Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
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selfie game
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
oh u like history? name everything that happened
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.