Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
You Might Also Like
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”