@Try2StopME: Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
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@jwoodham: Hey [STOP] Got your voicemail earlier [STOP] I'm replying with a telegram because you're apparently a big fan of outdated technology [STOP]
@murrman5: *texts son "dont say me" as wife heads to his bedroom* wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
@Daniel_Sloss: Airport receptionist: anything to declare? Me: how bout these guns? *flexes* Her: OH GOD HE'S GOT GUNS! Me: wait.. I was.. Her: HELP!! AGH!
@meganamram: Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body