Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
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“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause