@Try2StopME: Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
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@Kendragarden: I said "Margarita" 3 times in the mirror instead of "Bloody Mary" and now a ghost mariachi band is forcing me to play maracas for them.
@dsmitty62: Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I'm wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
@carlyken: A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
@lizetagge: The closest I've been to murder is holding my choco-chip cookie under the milk until the bubbles stop...