Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
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A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Meow?
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?