Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
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Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”