Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
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Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.