Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
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Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !